a birth story

i was pretty good about writing down hazel and cora's birth stories.  and here i am, 4 months later, finally sitting down to write James'.  in fairness, my labor with him, as well as my hospital stay, were more difficult both physically and emotionally.  it is finally now that i can write about it all without sobbing uncontrollably.  but i'll just start at the beginning.

i basically never went to sleep the night before he was born.  i maybe slept from about 10pm - midnight, at which time i woke up with suddenly painful contractions.  after a couple hours i woke john, and told him we better get to the hospital.  

that first picture on the left is me, in labor, at 2am.  

they sent us home because i wasn't progressing, and we were home by about 7am.  my mom and the girls were up, and my mom was surprised to hear that i was in labor and we had been gone most of the night.  i told her how i was basically dying and it didn't make sense because labor wasn't that horrible until later for me with the girls, and i wasn't even progressing and she goes, "i bet the baby is posterior."  that's what i had thought too, but having her say it made me accept it.  this was going to suck.

cue me laboring on the exercise ball and in the bathtub in all kinds of crazy positions until i felt like now, i could go to the hospital.  john was hesitant.  he didn't want to go all that way and get sent home again, but i insisted.  and, to his surprise, when we got to the hospital i had progress from 2 - 7cm dilated.  they admitted us, i got an epidural, but not much progress happened until the doctor came, realized i was posterior, and put me on the peanut ball.  james was born within the hour.

after a little nursing and skin to skin time, they took james to the warmer to get weighed, measured, assessed, etc.  the pediatrician came in and listened to his heart.  she came over to let us know that she had heard a heart murmur, but that there was no reason to be concerned yet; it could be that the PDA hadn't closed yet.  she ordered a chest x-ray to get a clear view of the heart, lungs, etc.  she ordered an echocardiogram for the next day.  i had a mild amount of concern but wasn't too worried.  our baby was here!  he looked to perfect and healthy.

 it was about 8pm when we finally got to our postpartum room, so the girls got to come the next morning and meet their baby brother!  wow it is so special.

cora lasted about 15 seconds holding him, but hazel surprised me and held him for at least five minutes!  

 the pediatrician paid us a visit, and examined the baby.  she told me that james probably had a heart defect, since usually the PDA has closed by now, but she could still hear the murmur.  with the sleep deprivation, hormone crash, physical exhaustion and everything else i was feeling, i couldn't remember the name of a single heart defect.  but there was an immediate feeling of dread as i looked up different type of congenital heart defects.  i prayed that it was either a VSD or ASD, even though at the time, the idea of ANY CHD was almost more that i could bear.  

late that morning the echocardiogram was done.  it took a long time, and i remember looking and the ultrasound tech's face.  wanting to ask her if she saw a heart defect.  but i waited patiently until a couple hours later the pediatrician returned, and told me to expect a call from Dr. Tan, a cardiologist.  she explained very briefly, "your baby has a ventricular septal defect"

Dr. Tan called while the pediatrician was still in the room, so she left when i answered the phone to speak with him, telling me she would return.  Dr. Tan was so kind, patient, and wonderful.  he answered all my questions.  at one point i accidentally hung up on him from the crappy hospital phone, and he called me right back immediately.  i cried the entire phone call.  i asked him for a basic, "best case" and "worst case" scenario.  at the time, he told me best case, james' defect will close on its own.  worst case, he will need open heart surgery.  it's a little silly to me now to think about my reaction then, because then, that seems like the worst possible thing - for my newborn baby to need open heart surgery!  since then, we found out his true diagnosis is tetralogy of fallot.  not only is his defect more severe, and will definitely require open heart surgery, but it will require lifelong cardiologists check ups, valve replacements, and potentially multiple open heart surgeries.  while all this is heartbreaking for me as a mom, it is a miracle that james has grown to be so healthy.  it is a miracle that he hasn't needed intervention yet, and that he is gaining weight and thriving.  i know it is a blessing from our Heavenly Father.

because of the delay with the echo and his diagnosis, james' circumcision was postponed until the following morning.  we were able to go home a couple hours after the worst thing i have volunteered my child for as a mother ;)  seriously, changing that diaper for a couple weeks was so sad.  

we told the family about james' diagnosis soon after we got home from the hospital.  those first few days were just as wonderful, tiring, and special as they were with the girls, but there was an added sadness, anxiety, and uncertainty.  i cried constantly.  i didn't talk on the phone to anyone.  i basically snuggled my precious newborn and protected him with all the fierceness that a mother can.  for awhile it felt like it was too much to bear.  my knees buckled at every thought. but then i was buoyed up - i felt so much strength that first sunday after he was born, when all of our family fasted for us and baby james.  i needed that strength so much. 

since then we have gotten a more critical diagnosis, a surgeon, and a plan.  we have met in person with Dr. Tan and Dr. Starnes, who i love, trust, and who have helped me feel that it will all be ok.

in all of this, i have been grateful for friends and family who have reached out in support, who have pointed us in the direction of others with babies with CHDs, or who they themselves have children with a CHD.  it was a comfort to look at the instagram post of my SIL's cousin, who has a baby with HLHS.  reading her instagram posts was overwhelming at first, but more recently, she has been a welcome example of strength.  she has shown me that even though our instinct as mothers is to protect, and handing your child over to that surgeon goes against every instinct, it is also the bravest thing you can do.  she has looked toward each surgery for her baby as an anxiety inducing blessing.  because, after all, even though there is anxiety and worry, there is also great hope and joy.  our babies are our greatest blessing.

About the time when we were told that James would need not only one, but two surgeries, I was at a lower point than I ever thought I could be.  I was still fighting and praying for the miracle I wanted, and not the miracle that the Lord knew that James needed.  It was in that desperation that I prayed constantly, but I didn't know for what.  I re-listened to the conference talks that spoke to me most; Brooke Hales and Sharon Eubank.  Sister Eubank said something that made me cry, hurt, and finally submit my will to Heavenly Father's.  She said, "When expectations overwhelm us, we can step back and ask Heavenly Father what to let go of".  It took me some time, but I finally let go.  I have learned that the Lord loves James, just as much, if not more than I do! He will do everything that He can to bless him (and us) perfectly.  

I have felt the spirit tell me many times that "everything will be okay".  When the anxiety comes, I remind myself that "everything will be okay."  I have seen James thrive and realize that that is a HUGE DAILY blessing from Heavenly Father.  I pray it will continue, but I know that He desires to bless us, and will do so in His perfect and infinite wisdom.  James is in the Lord's capable hands.  "and secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth IMMEDIATELY bless you."