daily joys of motherhood

wet kisses
spontaneous dance parties
indulging in a sweet treat together
tummy raspberries
reading books together - i especially love the back-up to sit on my lap *heart eyes*
playing pretend
joyful giggles
laughing at the hilarious things they say and do
seeing the world through their rose-colored glasses
always being ready for an adventure

for every moment they make me want to pull my hair out, there are a dozen moments like this.

hazel:
has to make a wish on every dandelion on our walk home from school
is still obsessed with the number 11
asks for hot chocolate even on warm days
is always saying also-ly, "let's ride the matterhorn and also-ly the teacups"
puts on her "you make me smile" jammies first thing when they are clean
walks up the stairs on all fours, as slowly as she can (especially when we are in a hurry) - she knows how to get on my nerves!

cora:
says yes in the most enthusiastic, slow-building shout "yyyyyyYUH-ES!"
is obsessed with pizza right now
is a champion fit-thrower
helps me make dinner or a treat often.  she is expert at evenly spreading cheese on pizza!
has started fighting her naps a little bit
could be potty-trained right now, if she wanted to be
has started talking tons, but i only understand about half of it!

supermoms.

Lately I've been trying to strike a balance between giving my girls activities to encourage their development; and letting/making them play with their toys and outside without structure. I have been try to give them opportunities to imagine and play without micromanaging every single second of their day. There is so much pressure to give our kids hours and hours of structured developmental activities throughout the day. A simple Pinterest search yields thousands of hits when you search for activities to keep your kids occupied. They advertise these activities as "boredom busters", or "development activities", but as parents, is that really our job? Must I really buy 10 bags of rice, color them with food coloring, and then let my girls "play" (EI. throw rice all over my house)? 

There's a sweet mom I follow on Instagram who basically runs a preschool for her four children. Each day is themed. With themed art projects, themed snacks, themed books, themed games. I honestly wonder how she has time to think up, buy stuff for, coordinate, supervise, organize, and clean up these extravagant activities, let alone cook dinner and clean the house. And frankly, my hat is off to her and other "supermoms", because she's obviously figured out some secret that the rest of us are missing. And it's making us look bad. And what's worse, it leads to guilt, and a lot of comparing ourselves to others.

Today, my girls didn't get a grand lesson about volcanoes, complete with volcano snacks, a volcano book, and a volcano science project.  They got dragged to costco to pick up a pizza, they were fed, they were read to.  They watched a short movie while I folded and put away a mountain of laundry.  They napped.  And i'm chosing not to feel guilty about it.  

chaos.

we went camping last weekend with some friends from church, and to say the girls got a little dirty might be a bit of an understatement.

 when we got home saturday, we started in on laundry and cleaning and putting away, but honestly, only half of it was done by sunday night.  monday i got really motivated though, and john got home and commented me on how clean the house was!  (p.s. this doesn't happen often ;)

then tuesday happened.  and it was chaos.  at one point i was feeling pretty under control, but then i got an important phone call, and before i knew it cora had ripped the leaves off of several of my garden plants (I KNOW) and then as i was finishing up my call, she blew out all over me. so john got home to a pretty scary house.  but, he loves me, and i love him.  even though most of the time both of us are a little too busy to show it ;)

i'm trying to be brave

i'm trying to be brave, but each day {with all of it's challenges and frustrations and moments when i secretly am crying inside trying to hold it together,} i send the girls to bed and then wonder where the time is going.  

we are as we speak flying to utah for some much-needed family time and to see my sister who is flying in from ecuador in a few days and still hasn't met cora.  flying with these two is no joke.  and i may put on a brave face, but the thought of my girls growing up is much scarier than any flight will probably ever be.  my new goal is to live each day in the moment.  it's easier said than done, but i'm confident the reward will be worth it.

real life

this is how i will remember life at home with our girls.  full of wild hair, dolls, dress-up, naked bums, dancing, endless laundry, messes, and playing pretend.

now that i'm a mother...

now that i'm a mother...

i wish every establishment- even the grocery store- had a drive-through window

injuries and gross things are now owies and kuh-kuhs, even when i'm talking to john

shaving my legs is a grand luxury

lipstick is always a good idea. (because even if you didn't shower and you're still wearing pajamas, it looks like you tried, right?)

exhaustion has a new meaning

i almost always regret spending extra time making dinner (because if it's something special, most likely the toddler won't eat it)

i'm singing disney and nursery songs around the house pretty constantly

eating is an all-day affair

being a mother is one of the most challenging, physically&emotionally exhausting, wonderful things. i've been thinking about how lucky i am lately. i spend my days growing a baby (which is hard work, by the way) and chasing after a toddler (probably even harder work). but i get to spend my entire day with my girl. she is mine, and i am hers. and i am so blessed for that connection that we will have forever. 

on raising a toddler.

i wish in some ways i could see hazel through someone else's eyes. because as her mother, i love her and am more proud and amazed at her than anyone else, but i am also the most sensitive to the things she does that are naughty (and therefore, i should conceivably try to change)

i wonder sometimes how other adults see her. is she sensitive? kind? playful? happy? friendly? obedient? i know i see other kids and i don't usually pass a lot of judgment unless they are really ill-behaved, and as we visited the children's aquarium the other day, there were a few minutes when she really didn't mind me and i felt compelled to apologize to the other moms with me.  the truth is, to me, she seems like the worst behaved child in this group of moms and kids that gets together.  now, is it just me?  or is that really the case?  and if it is the case, what do i do about it?  do i need to worry?  or just chock it up to her stubborn personality?  or is it my failings as a mother?

you can understand my frustration.  because i love her unconditionally, i want her to have the best in life.  and i think that kids who learn to mind their parents, be obedient, and choose to be happy, are ultimately more successful adults.  

today we went to the galleria playground with another group of moms from the ward.  this time, hazel actually did pretty great (minus refusing to eat - which is another frustration entirely). 

i guess, in many ways all i can do is my best.  i find that i am often comparing myself to others, and since becoming a mother, that comparison has only intensified.  but i pray at the end of each day that i will be able to give hazel what she needs.  as a mother, sometimes it is hard to figure that out.  in hazel's case, i never know if i am being too strict, or not strict enough... and the second-guessing yourself can get quite exhausting!

one mother i really admire (john's sister ashley) is always so relaxed and calm about mothering.  even if her child is being naughty, she is calm and collected.  i admire her laid-back, yet strong, guided mothering so much. (not to mention, her kids are extremely well-behaved and rarely act out). i know no one is perfect and i should never expect to be, but if i could change one thing about my mothering, it would be to become a more relaxed parent.  so for now, i'll work on being relaxed and patient.  that shouldn't be too hard, right?  

the joy of tomorrow comes after the work of today.

hazel is my adorable, sometimes unwilling companion throughout the day... and i love it.  as i'm breezing through target today, she starts making this funny sound frantically and trying to get my attention.  i ask her what it is she needs, but she just keeps making this funny noise and gesturing towards the shelf.  finally, i get it.  she is saying "whooooo! whoooo!" to let me know there is a teeny tiny owl on top of that candle.  each day i am struck by all that she is soaking in, even though she isn't much of a talker still.  {she inherited her dad's quiet nature, rather than my boisterous one...}  she is so much fun all the time and i am really loving this motherhood thing these days.  

don't get me wrong, there are things that totally stink.  like fighting each mealtime to get her to eat what i've put in front of her {our nutrition has lapsed a little bit since i hate putting up a fight}.  but she is so hilarious and happy and loves to explore the world around her.  right now she is bounding a little ball on the coffee table.  so easily entertained.  

i hope every day to be a little bit of a better mother to her.  that is one thing that stinks about motherhood.  you never feel good enough, you never feel like you are doing things right.  but when i look at my little girl, my heart just bursts.  so i pray every night that even though i'm not sure what in the heck i am doing, that the things i am doing will be enough.

some things i've been thinking about, as we approach six months.

my baby is going to be six months old in about two weeks.  and i'm all, rude!

she has grown and developed so much.  she's ten pounds heavier than she was when she was born, {oink! oink!}, can sit up all by herself nowadays, and is discovering the world around her.  each day she makes developmental leaps that can't be easy.  so as hard as being a mom has been, i submit to you that life for babies is much, much harder.

first off, babies can't tell you what they need.  they can only cry and hope that you figure it out. sad!  they don't know how to fall asleep on their own, and when first born they can't even lift their ginormous heads.  they have to be taught to sleep, pooping is often difficult, and they move their body as uncoordinated as frankenstein.  {sometimes we call hazel frankenbaby when she's doing her jerky arm-movements}.  gosh, being a baby is hard.

so as frustrating as my life has been as a mom, {and it goes without saying that being a mom is also the most wonderful thing that has happened to me since marrying john....} i can't help but imagine that her life is frustrating, too.  and that when i'm struggling to get her down for a nap it's only because she can't help it, she just wants to explore the world around her!

lately i've been a little selfish, saying, "it took me an hour and a half to get the baby down for her nap!"  when i should have been saying, "the poor baby was exhausted and really needed sleep, but she didn't know how to fall asleep... poor thing."  some things about being a mom will be as they always have been - amazing.  and some things about being a mom will be as they always have been - so incredibly hard.  but gosh, i feel like it's my calling in life.  i love it, and i want to make 500 of them. ;)  hopefully, by some miracle, i can make this developmentally difficult year in my baby's life a happy one.  i can only help by giving her all the love and care she needs. 

i have resigned myself to a beautiful life of clothes that will forever be covered in spit-up, and i love it.

my clothes will never be free from stains again. as we speak, i have a bit of spit-up milk on my right shoulder. i also may not sleep for a straight eight hours, go on a vacation with just my husband, go a day without changing a diaper, or get through the housework ever again. i have resigned myself to hours of entertaining, chauffeuring, teaching, cooking, bouncing, and caring. 

but golleee i love this girl. and it is so so worth it. i love the spit-up, the diapers, the giggles, the cries, the baths, the walks, and everything in-between. she is such an easy, darling baby. i am the luckiest mom in the world.