tremendously grateful.

for months now i have been having anxiety about letting my nursing license waste away.  i was worried that if i didn't get a teeny tiny job then i would be unhire-able in ten years when my kids were all in school and i decided that i wanted to work.  so i put some feelers out last week and some old classmates helped me score a job where they work.  and i am so so grateful.  i am rusty for sure, but i'm hoping {and praying} that things will fall into place soon.  the best part?  it's on-call and only a six-to-midnight shift usually, so i won't be gone during the day when hazel needs me.  

i am so grateful for friends that lend a helping hand, and for my Heavenly Father who is always watching over me and gives answers my prayers.

i did it. i done graduated.

at times nursing school was very difficult.  but i persevered.  and now, i can't believe that i won't be continuing on in january!  i've been school for what feels like a long time, and now, i don't know what i will do with all my free time.... grow a baby perhaps?

the end of an era...

well, it's here.  the end of my nursing school career.  two weeks from now i will be completely done with school and graduated.  and i'm kind of ambiguous about it.  {mostly because i will miss all of my wonderful friends in the nursing program!}  thinking about all the hard work i have done to get here, it just doesn't feel real that {if, heaven willing} when i pass my nclex, i will go from having "sn" after my name to having "bsn rn" after my name.  i am both thrilled and terrified to be the one in charge.  it's what i've wanted since i was in eighth grade, and i've wanted it a thousand times more throughout my labor and delivery clinical.  i just can't wait for the fun times that are ahead.  i know i've chosen a wonderful field to work in and that i can make a difference in people's lives.  and i couldn't be more thrilled about it.

it's over!

i just realized that my intensive care clinical is over, and it was a bittersweet moment.

on the one hand, i loved those pre-assessments.

on the other hand, i hated those pre-assessments.

but icu clinical was so fun!  and i believe just a small part of me will miss it when i'm knee-deep in my labor and delivery capstone next semester.  {can i just pause here and say, i never thought i would make it?}

now i just have one test, two finals....

30 days

735 hours

44103 minutes until....

taiwan.

and i can't wait.

a quick post.

this is what life for me looks like.  lots of food, people, and studying.  i'm pretty sure i spend about 60 hours each week studying, or going to clinical, or doing homework.  crazy!  i have been a terrible wife as of late - i haven't made john dinner a single night this week!  but i am resolving right now to change that..... right after i finish all my homework for the weekend.  

xoxo

basketball game.

about a week ago we went to the byu vs gonzaga game.  byu won, naturally.  we went with these friends , of course.  

i am so excited for this fall when john will be attending school at byu with me.  byu is an amazing school.  i am grateful for all the opportunities that are mine here, particularly the amazing byu nursing faculty that work so hard to help us learn and grow and become good nurses.  even though i am pushed past what i thought i was capable of almost every single day, i am so grateful for the things i am learning.  i know that nursing school, with all of it's ups and downs, will be worth it in the end!  

john has really inspired me lately.  he is so good at seeing the bright side of things. even during the busy accounting season when he gets six hours of sleep each night {even on weekends} and works twelve hour days {if you count commuting [even on weekends]}, he is still happy and pleasant to be around.  me on the other hand....

john, thanks for inspiring me to be better.  i know i have had a difficult time seeing the bright side of things lately.  i am so grateful for your patience with me during the past month of nursing school.  you are my favorite.  

life lately. {and also an excuse to post pictures of the delicious food we've been eating.}

1.  mad and i leaving psych clinical for the day.

2.  my new on-campus discovery. {only available in the twilight zone, folks.}

3.  the best turkey sandwich.  ever.

4.  new hair.

5.  icu kicking my butt.

6.  more goodwood.

7.  no big.  just an adorable baby.

8.  trying out a vinaigrette salad and deciding that i actually like it!

9.  the only day all winter that it has actually felt like winter.

10.  my new v-day banner.

11.  hotness. 

12.  veggie stir-fry for dinner last night.

life this week has been chaotic, but fun.

most notable craziness that occurred:

i started my psych rotation. {no pun intended.}

psych is kind of exciting.  i am on the forensic unit, so there is never a boring day.  i think that my communication skills as a nurse will probably be greatly improved throughout this semester as i talk to the patients.  which was needed - believe me. there's nothing worse than not being able to comfort or help your patient emotionally. it is the worst.  so i am so excited for this opportunity.  at times i feel uncomfortable with patients, but i am learning so much about myself and about how to help them.  

some highlights of the week:

 modern warfare {this is more john's highlight than mine}

 cookie-dough cupcakes

 getting to know my new chi

 costco chicken {yes, i'm serious.}

matchy-matchy

and so it begins....

icu came at me like a whirlwind yesterday.   i sat in the three-hour lecture and struggled with every ounce of my brain power to comprehend and apply everything that the teacher was saying.  afterward i thought, my brain hurts.  and also, i may be dead before the semester is over.  but i am happily not dead yet, and i have an amazing husband who loves me.  honestly, sometimes that man makes me go weak in the knees.  so even with the beginning of a daunting semester of nursing school, i can hold on to the fact that he will be home each night, and that i will be safe in his arms.

and, some pictures of what's been going on lately:

1. my new passport with my married name, so that i can go to taiwan!

2.  on the way to park city for some shopping

3.  my grandma's beautiful holiday decorations

4.  my new critical care nursing book

5.  waiting for john to come home {he's been working late}

6.  breakfast of galettes

7.  leggins and the bachelor {gotta love the drama!}

8.  at dinner with the fam

9.  the tree still up

10.  the mocassin's john got me for christmas that i am living in

11.  grandma's canary

happy friday!

yesterday, my patient coded.

but don't worry, it wasn't a real patient.  it was a mannequin, just like the one pictured above.  still, having a patient code is scary.  and all sort of thoughts run through your head: "should i have given the atrovent before the albuterol?", "i should have done a more thorough assessment", "why wasn't i more clear in my teaching of the patient?", and, "what more could i have done?"

as i'm sitting there doing cpr on a coding mannequin, i am terrified of my chosen profession.  not because i don't think i can handle it, but because i'm not yet prepared for the high-intensity situations that i will face as a nurse - because i lack the experience that is needed to perform well in such circumstances.  i can only hope and pray that someday, soon, i will have had clinical exposure to feel like the critical thinker that i need to be.  so even if my patient codes, i can keep a level head and know how to save their life.  

this is what 6am looks like.

for the most part, getting up at 4:30am for peds clinical  is not much different from getting up at 5am for labor and delivery. waking up feels about the same {horrible}. getting ready feels about the same{drunken}.  eating breakfast feels about the same{barfy}.  

here are some things i actually really like about getting up in the wee hours of the morning: 

1.  snoozing on the way to salt lake.

2.  listening to the world all peaceful and quiet.  

3.  waiting for trax and loving that brisk fall air at magical 6am on a friday morning.

and.... we're back.

the first week of school is kind of like trying to jog backwards.  for a moment, you think you've got it all under control and then, just like that, you are flat on your back and the rest of the thirty-thousand students on campus are trampling all over you. not that you mind, really, because it's better than sitting in a classroom and reading syllabi and having no clue what is ahead of you this semester.  and you in no way want to stand back up, because then you have to navigate through the throngs of people darting to their next class.  i do get claustrophobic in crowds, after all.  

but then there's the friends: you greet them with suffocating hugs.  and procedures: the fun nursing procedures like IV and cath insertion.  and the purpose: because if there's one thing i've learned over the summer, it's that we all need a purpose in life. something to do and enjoy, to learn and to grow.  

dear school,
maybe i'll decide to like you after all.

summstress.

on friday night, i had a little meltdown.

over the past few weeks, little things have been setting me into crying fits of hysteria.

first, my parent's dog chewed up my flip flops.

secondly, my mom tried to replace said flip flops with her own.

thirdly, i saw the best rendition of wuthering heights - ever, done by masterpiece series. {actually, i think i'm allowed to cry over this one.  it was fantastic.}

fourthly, making it late to sunday dinner and having the food be cold.  {i am not proud of this.}

then on friday, {after the delectables pictured above} john and i had a disagreement on whether or not to get mango sticky rice.

it was the last straw.  

as usually happens when i am hormonal and sensitive and downright ridiculous,

it was all john's fault.

like the grand husband that he is, he sat quietly, held my hand, and apologized profusely for nothing in particular.

we then went to planet of the apes, me complete with puffy eyes.

as the evening drew to a close i thought, 

"the tiniest things have been setting me off as of late, why is that?"

i sat there and contemplated the intricacies of the universe,

the cosmos of emotion and what they all mean - and finally came to a conclusion.

i need to be back in school.

it is true.  i am ready, folks.

currently, my mind is harried up with trivial things that don't matter at all,

and i get stressed out about what cereal i should eat in the morning {as if it is a life and death decision.}

i'm pretty sure it all boils down to:

i need some real purpose in life.  

no more crafts, no more monk, no more online shopping, and no more making treats to occupy the 16 waking hours of my day.

just cold hard facts and nose-to-the-grindstone studying and also lots of patient contact.  in other words, bring it on, nursing school!

john will be relieved {i am sure},

and so will i.

because as soon as i am stressed out with school once more,

my chewed-up flip flops won't matter so much.

bring it on school. bring. it. on.

studying: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

take it from a starving, studying, stressed-out college student:  at byu, nursing school is hard.  {maybe it's hard other places, but just go with it.}  my first final is saturday.  i have studied approximately 12.2 hours so far for it, and will probably study about 20 more before i take the plunge.  is that extensive?  yes.  am i neurotic?  yes.  am i simply hoping to get through it all so that i can spend the entirety of my summer eating delicious food and reading wonderful books?  you bet.

so here it is, my list of the good, the bad, and the ugly of studying for finals.  {don't worry, i really do love being in college and learning "stuff".  but seriously, i need sunlight, strawberry shortcake, my saucy husband, and no more studying for awhile}

the good:

a perfect excuse to eat whatever you want, whenever you want.  i need the sugar for studying, right?

the bad:

piles and piles of books, and slides, and notes, and lectures.

the ugly:

a quiet, stuffy library in which to stare at my notes mindlessly. {while it's warm outside and beautiful things are popping out all over the place!  perish the thought!}

but last night, john harman said to me:  

"i love you more than tasting... and smelling... and hearing... and thinking... and feeling... and seeing... and breathing..."

"well, then what would you have?"

"just love."

lots and lots of love.

to do:

1.  finish all my papers and assignments
2.  attend all my final labs
3.  make it through the next two pharm and med-surg lectures
4.  study study study
5.  take my lab final
6.  take my pharm final
7.  take my med-surg final
8.  burn all my books

{note:  i am not bitter, just ready to be done with this semester}

milestones.

the last few days, i have written several blog posts....
and have posted none of them.
perhaps it is because life got {crazy/busy/happy/hectic/emotional/tiring/frustrating/draining/scary.....}
perhaps it is because i just wanted to spend what little time there was with my best friend,
who also happens to be my husband.

i am breathing easier now, {kinda}
and looking forward to the future.
the milestones, really.  all the little, seemingly unimportant milestones....
that can make life meaningful in a time of stress and disappointment.
{and help you see the big picture instead of focusing on just one little thing!}

so, here i am, blogging about the little milestones in my life.
{and some big ones too!}
that help me push through the tough times in school.

-  finishing my third semester of nursing school
-  starting work in the summer
-  going to college with my husband
-  lake powell! {and other summer fun}
-  celebrating our {1} year anniversary {and all, thereafter}
-  accomplishing my goal of a humanitarian project somewhere
-  graduating from the nursing program
-  my first real job

the nursing program is likely to give me ulcers, however, it won't be forever.
and when it's over, i will feel like i can really work as a nurse.
i definitely will not know everything, but still....
i will at least know some things.

{just} another nursing post

i have many mixed feelings.

clinical.

slow day.

felt silly because i didn't know what i was doing and no one was directing me.  

{how hard can it be to say, "follow this nurse around," eh?}

once we started prepping my patient for surgery, I felt like I knew a little bit more.

but then i asked to do an IV.

"they are operating on his other arm to i've only got one shot - so i should probably do it"

and i was fine with that.  until.....

later on that day a fellow student told me that he grumbled about me asking to the IV.

embarrassment.  despite the fact that - 

why should i have to apologize for asking to gain a little experience?

therefore, i have made a resolution. 

when i am an experienced nurse, i am going to do my best to remember what it was like to be a student and feel inexperienced and stupid. i am going to give the student the ability to be taught and learn as much as they can and gain as much experience as possible.  i am going to be kind and patient, and really try and stretch the student’s abilities and comfort zone.

as a student, i sometimes feel like i am a burden on those teaching.

but if there wasn't anyone willing to teach.....

then how would we learn?

boo mr. IV man for making me feel stupid. 

{although your reasoning for doing the IV yourself were, in fact, very valid.  next time you feel annoyed at a student, try and put yourself in their shoes and think how scared they might be to enter the real nursing world only having done a handful of successful IVs.  if you still think then that you should be annoyed, then you are weird.}

thank you, Jake from OR, for teaching me.

{so i didn't need to run home crying.}

passing out 101.

passing out 101:

if you feel like your head is spinning,

your body is very warm,

you can't stand straight up on your feet,

and your vision starts to turn all black and fuzzy,

don't be stupid and try to walk out of the room.

you will no doubt hit the ground within two seconds.  flat.

instead, sit your behind down on the ground.  immediately.

otherwise, you have just fainted in a patients room.

for no apparent reason other than the fact that it is 7:30am and you've been up since 5.

and you've made a complete and utter fool of yourself.

you'll probably cry a little bit too.

you'll wake up, facing the ceiling, feeling like an idiot.

do you really want that kind of embarrassment?

i didn't think so.

information implants.

i'd like to think that one day, 

we will have the capability to stick information straight into our brains.  

like a microchip for my computer, stored with all the drug information i will need as a nurse.

or an implant.  similar to a breast implant, but without being so ostentatious.

that would be nice.  just sign me up for that fast-track nursing school. 

one surgery, 5 implants, 

no studying necessary.

wouldn't information implants be so nice?

until that day, however, 

i still have to study.  study hard i must.

all the intricacies of nursing care must be carefully arranged in the cobweb-filled shelves that are my brain.

i must think critically when a patient in my care suddenly develops compartment syndrome.

i must know:

the signs and symptoms {pain, paralysis, pallor, paresthesias, and.... oh what are the other two??}

the causes {increased bloodflow or crushing injuries, not pleasant}

and the treatments {which is a fasciotomy, if you must know}.

maybe one day, after i have worked several years as a nurse, 

i will be able to dedicate my life to developing said information implants.

nobel prize - here i come!

IV insertion for champs.

IV insertion pass-off.

a little nerve-wracking.  

and since it's all about what you do, step-by-step, 

{each finger movement can make you or break you}

i needed some practice.

so i rolled up a towel and made an arm.

and stuck a needle in it. 

many, many times.

john laughed at me,

and also reluctantly offered for me to practice on him.

i regretfully declined, because it's against the rules,

but i wish i could have.  he has very nice veins.

it's one of the things that originally attracted me to him, really.

the steps:

1. wash hands
2. assess pts prior exp., explain procedure
3. ID patient
4. identify vein
5. position chux
6. prepare supplies
7. prime saline lock
8. prep site with chloraprep
9. apply tourniquet
10. don clean gloves
11. perform venipuncture with bevel up
12. advance catheter
13. remove tourniquet
14. apply pressure to vein above insertion site, remove needle and turgor safety device
15. kinect tubing to IV catheter
16. flush saline lock
17. apply transparent dressing
18. secure IV with tape
19. label dressing
20. maintain sterile technique

and in my pass-off today, i didn't miss a single step- not one.

100%

thank you little towel arm.

you just made my day.