i wish in some ways i could see hazel through someone else's eyes. because as her mother, i love her and am more proud and amazed at her than anyone else, but i am also the most sensitive to the things she does that are naughty (and therefore, i should conceivably try to change)
i wonder sometimes how other adults see her. is she sensitive? kind? playful? happy? friendly? obedient? i know i see other kids and i don't usually pass a lot of judgment unless they are really ill-behaved, and as we visited the children's aquarium the other day, there were a few minutes when she really didn't mind me and i felt compelled to apologize to the other moms with me. the truth is, to me, she seems like the worst behaved child in this group of moms and kids that gets together. now, is it just me? or is that really the case? and if it is the case, what do i do about it? do i need to worry? or just chock it up to her stubborn personality? or is it my failings as a mother?
you can understand my frustration. because i love her unconditionally, i want her to have the best in life. and i think that kids who learn to mind their parents, be obedient, and choose to be happy, are ultimately more successful adults.
today we went to the galleria playground with another group of moms from the ward. this time, hazel actually did pretty great (minus refusing to eat - which is another frustration entirely).
i guess, in many ways all i can do is my best. i find that i am often comparing myself to others, and since becoming a mother, that comparison has only intensified. but i pray at the end of each day that i will be able to give hazel what she needs. as a mother, sometimes it is hard to figure that out. in hazel's case, i never know if i am being too strict, or not strict enough... and the second-guessing yourself can get quite exhausting!
one mother i really admire (john's sister ashley) is always so relaxed and calm about mothering. even if her child is being naughty, she is calm and collected. i admire her laid-back, yet strong, guided mothering so much. (not to mention, her kids are extremely well-behaved and rarely act out). i know no one is perfect and i should never expect to be, but if i could change one thing about my mothering, it would be to become a more relaxed parent. so for now, i'll work on being relaxed and patient. that shouldn't be too hard, right?