goals

some things that i've been working on...

1. being a happy mom

IT IS A DAILY STRUGGLE.  i get woken up by a toddler poking me in the face, or a baby crying "mama!" in the next room every. single. morning.  i am so tired.

during the day, messes get made, things get broken, i get whined at, and i never seem to have enough time to do what i want to do... let alone the bare necessities.  (like scrubbing the toilets?!)

of course there are wonderful moments.  wonderful moments where i get to snuggle and love my girls and throw everything else out the window!  but by bedtime, i feel like the bad has outweighed the good at every level.  and i am trying to be better at that.  i'm trying to be happy even when hazel breaks a dish and cora pokes her with a butter knife when my back is turned.  (both these things happened yesterday, if you're wondering)  i am trying to be selfless in my approach to motherhood.  

2.  i am working on developing my talents

i teach the 7-year-olds at church, and one of our recent lessons on developing our talents really stuck with me.  since then i have started painting more, playing the piano more, and have been actively doing newborn shoots for friends and family.  here is my photography blog, for anyone that is interested in newborn or family shots in the future>>>  paigebsouthbayphotography.com <<< and since i am building my portfolio, my prices are really great.  

3.  reading the scriptures and praying more.

chaos.

we went camping last weekend with some friends from church, and to say the girls got a little dirty might be a bit of an understatement.

 when we got home saturday, we started in on laundry and cleaning and putting away, but honestly, only half of it was done by sunday night.  monday i got really motivated though, and john got home and commented me on how clean the house was!  (p.s. this doesn't happen often ;)

then tuesday happened.  and it was chaos.  at one point i was feeling pretty under control, but then i got an important phone call, and before i knew it cora had ripped the leaves off of several of my garden plants (I KNOW) and then as i was finishing up my call, she blew out all over me. so john got home to a pretty scary house.  but, he loves me, and i love him.  even though most of the time both of us are a little too busy to show it ;)

on raising a toddler.

i wish in some ways i could see hazel through someone else's eyes. because as her mother, i love her and am more proud and amazed at her than anyone else, but i am also the most sensitive to the things she does that are naughty (and therefore, i should conceivably try to change)

i wonder sometimes how other adults see her. is she sensitive? kind? playful? happy? friendly? obedient? i know i see other kids and i don't usually pass a lot of judgment unless they are really ill-behaved, and as we visited the children's aquarium the other day, there were a few minutes when she really didn't mind me and i felt compelled to apologize to the other moms with me.  the truth is, to me, she seems like the worst behaved child in this group of moms and kids that gets together.  now, is it just me?  or is that really the case?  and if it is the case, what do i do about it?  do i need to worry?  or just chock it up to her stubborn personality?  or is it my failings as a mother?

you can understand my frustration.  because i love her unconditionally, i want her to have the best in life.  and i think that kids who learn to mind their parents, be obedient, and choose to be happy, are ultimately more successful adults.  

today we went to the galleria playground with another group of moms from the ward.  this time, hazel actually did pretty great (minus refusing to eat - which is another frustration entirely). 

i guess, in many ways all i can do is my best.  i find that i am often comparing myself to others, and since becoming a mother, that comparison has only intensified.  but i pray at the end of each day that i will be able to give hazel what she needs.  as a mother, sometimes it is hard to figure that out.  in hazel's case, i never know if i am being too strict, or not strict enough... and the second-guessing yourself can get quite exhausting!

one mother i really admire (john's sister ashley) is always so relaxed and calm about mothering.  even if her child is being naughty, she is calm and collected.  i admire her laid-back, yet strong, guided mothering so much. (not to mention, her kids are extremely well-behaved and rarely act out). i know no one is perfect and i should never expect to be, but if i could change one thing about my mothering, it would be to become a more relaxed parent.  so for now, i'll work on being relaxed and patient.  that shouldn't be too hard, right?  

on learning to trust my instincts:

if i've learned anything this week, it's not to second-guess myself as a mother.  for many reasons, the past few days have been harder than i like to admit.  hazel just hasn't been herself, and as a mother, there is nothing worse than not knowing how to help your child when they wake up at five in the morning.  you feel quite powerless when all you can do at that five am wake-up call is give your baby ibuprophen and try and rock her to sleep.  and when an hour of that fails, snuggle up on the couch with baby einstein, a blanket, and some goldfish crackers.  

with each new hurdle that came our way, i was second-guessing myself.  asking john what he thought i should do, calling my mother at least ten times a day to ask for her advice, i even bugged my 19-year-old sister for a confirmation that i was doing the right thing.  i went into lds general conference with a prayer that i would be able to know what to do to help hazel to be a happy, healthy, well-adjusted, well-behaved child.  the talks came and went, one by one, and i didn't receive an answer.  nearing the end of the conference, i had a strong impression to trust my instincts as a mother; that Heavenly Father sent Hazel's strong-willed, tender spirit to me for a reason.  that i am the best person to be her mother and that she is the best person to be my daughter.  she has already taught me so much about love, patience, and happiness than i would have ever thought possible.  it is humbling that such a tiny human can teach me so much.  and yet, she has.  i felt a reassurance that He would continue to guide me as i endeavored to give her all the love she needs and deserves.  i'm fairly certain that whatever challenges come our way, i will be able to meet them head-on and trust my instincts.  as long as i remember that i am a strong daughter of God with divine potential, i can live each day, happy and grateful for my blessings and the privilege that i have to be a wife and mother.

i'm going to wax philosophical here for a second folks.

as hazel grows and develops, and as i have been working at a rehab facility, i have noticed a pattern. the development for babies and the elderly is the same, just reversed.  hazel learned to lift her head, then to grab things, then sit up, then crawl, then feed herself, then walk.  and soon, she will learn to talk and go potty and do all kinds of things for herself.  as she gains function, i notice my sweet elderly patients losing some- in almost the exact reverse order that she gains it.  it must be difficult to feel your abilities slowly slipping away. and each day i work, i feel for the few my patients that are in that stage of life.  it must be scary and frustrating at times.  it is my job to help them, and help hazel to smoothly transition from one functionality to the next, and it's a daunting task.  each day i am saying a silent prayer that i will do and say the right things.  at times, i fear i fall very short.  but i am appreciating the things i learn from each one of the people in work with.  i believe even more now in God's goodness and His plan for each of us.  He has provided a way for us to return to him.  not only that - but He has provided us with unlimited happiness, if we only follow His life example.  He has said, "i am the resurrection and the life.  he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live." {john 11:25}

today:

failures:

missed our flu shot appointment

missed hazel's second nap

dropped baby food jars 4 times while leaving the store

was short with my husband

got silently angry at a friend

4 coke zeroes

successes:

took B on a loooong walk

made a yummy dinner

read three books to hazel

my house is clean

made a thanksgiving printable

made time to watch tv shows with john

today has been one of those days, man.  no matter how many hours of sleep i get, i am still trashed by the end of the day.  i have tried really hard to be on top of things and i constantly feel like the more i get around the house, the less of a good wife and mother i am.  i am so grateful for the patience john and hazel constantly have for me.  without it, i don't know what i would do!  i am so grateful for the chance i get to love/be with/take care of them.

“the optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose.” – kahlil gibran

sometimes, i think i miss all the beautiful roses because i am too focused on the thorns.    so, i have decided to focus on the roses all around me.  just to list a few:

thorn:  our messy house

rose:  a warm, comfortable, lovely home to live in, where family can come visit and where rent is entirely free

thorn:  homework

rose:  the last few opportunities to prepare for my future nursing career before i go out on my own

thorn:  my ever-enlarging body, consistent acne, finding it increasing difficult to find a comfortable position to sleep in

rose:  i'm growing a baby ya'all!  and she is going to be absolutely delicious.

thorn:  spending less and less time with john as finals approach

rose:  knowing that john is sacrificing so much for our future family, that he is working hard so that he can provide for me and baby girl {i am so grateful to him for that, and the amazing husband he is, and the father he will be}

focusing on the roses makes me so happy.

welcome, february.

whoa, is it february already?

i l.o.v.e. february.

mostly because it is the month of valentines day.

and also the month in which i met john.

so february is great.  but i can't believe how quickly january came and went.  sometimes my life is a blur of homework and clinicals and lab and lecture and by the end of the day, i am in full zombie mode.  i strongly dislike zombies, by the way.  

here are some things that preserve my sanity {and prevent me from going into zombie mode} during the winter semester of nursing school:

snickers, leslie's french toast, and guitar.  we sang this song the other night.

pictures of those perfect moments.

don't you love: walking home in fresh snowfall,

in the crisp silence,

and bobbing branches,

when everything just sits still?

to me, that moment is just perfect.  

here are some other perfect moments that i photographed over the week:

hope the rest of your day is filled with perfect moments!

day of thanksgiving.

i know everyone in the blogging world is posting about what they are grateful for today.

sorry, i'm no less unique.  each year when we wind up coming towards this delicious holiday, i feel that i act like such an ungrateful person, because i rarely acknowledge the overwhelmingly kind things that people do for me.  i'd like to take this opportunity tell those that i love how much they mean to me, and how grateful i am for them.  

muti, vati - thanks for giving me life, and teaching me how to be a good person.  i am not perfect, but what good qualities i have come mostly from how you raised me.

brothers and sisters - thanks for the fun, the laughs, and the examples you are to me.  we usually get along, but sometimes we want to punch each other in the face.  thanks for not.  

uncles and aunts - you guys are goobers, and you make me laugh constantly.  i wouldn't have my pepsi addiction without all of you, and i really love my pepsi addiction, so thanks.

in laws - you guys are awesome.  thanks for accepting me and making me feel like i belong.  love you all!

john - thanks for all your patience with me this last year of marriage.  thanks for all the things you do that make me laugh.  thanks for loving me, even when i'm ridiculous.  thank you for being the kind of person i want to become.

changes.

via my mom's computer, from 7ish years ago

8th-grade me always knew that she was going to be a nurse.  8th-grade me had a plan for the rest of her life.

20-year-old me is somewhat uncertain.  and uncertainty, as you may have guessed, is not my specialty.  as i think about the imminent changes that will be occurring in the next year, i am afraid.  excited, but also afraid of graduating and having to look for work in this economy.  excited, but anxious about john going to school.  excited, but worried because i just don't know what is going to happen to us, and where we are going to be in five years.  and to 20-year-old me, that is a thrilling, but scary thought. very, very scary.

but i have john, and he handles the stress of these kinds of things beautifully.  so now all i have to do is close my eyes, squeeze his hand, and let him lead me on the way.

love this.

i love going to john's intramural games.  i was lucky to get out of pottery class early on thursday and watch him play a game of flag football.  i loved sitting on the sidelines in the freezing weather, wrapped in my mother's wedding present, talking to the other wives on the sidelines, and watching john play.  it may seem insignificant, but i love moments like this.  they make life fun and worthwhile.  so does john. seriously love that man.

i dream.

houg

i dream of becoming a nurse.

i dream of being a musician.

i dream of seeing the world.

i dream of decorating a house to call my own.

i dream of being fluent in mandarin chinese. 

i dream of being a photographer.

i dream of trying everything.

i dream of living in lake powell.

i dream of increasing my faith.

i dream of becoming a mother.

i dream of being a writer.

i dream of becoming a better friend.  

i dream of ice cream.

i dream of making the world a better place.

i dream of reading every good book out there.

i dream of crafting.

i dream of going to taiwan with john.

i dream of becoming a fabulous cook.

i dream of dancing in the rain.  

a little list.....

of the top ten things i am most excited for this summer.... {in no particular order}

1.  going on a {surprise!} trip with my shmohn.... {john dear, i've decided that i want you to decide where we go.  - hence the surprise part.  i'll be happy with anywhere, but preferably somewhere with really good food.  i think you can handle that...}

2.  being shut up in cabins {by choice} almost every single weekend for the next four months.... {this includes 4-wheeling and hikes and fishing and frisbee golf and floats down the river.... i get thrills just thinking about it!} 

3.  reading the twenty-eight books that i have lined up for summer.... {the alchemist, the catcher in the rye, and jane eyre made the list.... i am a sucker for any good book and always open to suggestions.... hint hint.....}

4.  soaking up the sun whilst teaching swim lessons to little rugrats at the neighborhood pool. {they are so adorable.}

5.  wake-boarding in lake powell {and eating, and boating, and playing, and exploring, and cliff-jumping......}

6.  crafting!  {i want to make this, and this, and this, and quite possibly fabric curtains for my bore of a bedroom.}

7.  cooking..... 

8.  cleaning {is it strange that this is in my top ten?}

9.  a new show!  {my friend madison picks a new tv show to start each summer.  and since she's great i like to copy her.  i am thinking saved by the bell might be a good one.  i have seen so little of it, unfortunately it was before my time....}

10.  snuggling, relaxing, chilling with john.  {more on why i am the luckiest girl alive here and here.}

last day of actual classes for me today.  

super thrilled.

hope your day is warm and bright, and simply lovely!

pencils are becoming obsolete.

seriously!

i take all my notes on my computador these days.  i don't even carry a binder with me.  

so when my teacher brings a hard copy of the slides, my nose crinkles up in a kind of frustrated protest.  because of course, now i have to dig through the garbage dump of my backpack in search of a pencil.

cue gasp.

after looking through my backpack and finding everything from a tourniquet to gobstoppers to crumbs to carrots to wrappers and papers and tylenol bottles and whatever that was..... {but no pencil!}  i realize:

hey, i just carry the necessities.  i like to walk onto campus prepared for the onslaught of medical knowledge that's about to be shoved down my throat.  therefore, snacks and a refreshing dose of daily tylenol take precedence over a pencil that i may or may not ever use.

just my thoughts.

amnesia.

sometimes, i wonder if i have amnesia.  

i mean how often am i sitting in a test, and have studied for it for 10,000 hours, and yet have gone blank, even though i knew the answer right before i sat down.  how often am i reading 50 pages of nursing whatever and then stop and realize, i can't remember what i just read, or even what it was about.  maybe nutrition and food? hmmm.... i love food.  i am so gosh darn hungry right now......

see???

and just now, as i was sitting on my couch getting ready to blog, i thought, 

i can't even remember what i did last night.  {[i mean, seriously, was i on drugs?] i can assure you that i wasn't, but that's what it felt like...}  

the point, is that i am very forgetful.  and it sometimes gets me into trouble.  fortunately, i have a darling husband who remembers things better than i do, and can remind me what we did last night.  which was eat cafe rio {two free meals, thank you so very much vati!}, and snuggle on the couch while watching a movie.

oh, and made cookies.

milestones.

the last few days, i have written several blog posts....
and have posted none of them.
perhaps it is because life got {crazy/busy/happy/hectic/emotional/tiring/frustrating/draining/scary.....}
perhaps it is because i just wanted to spend what little time there was with my best friend,
who also happens to be my husband.

i am breathing easier now, {kinda}
and looking forward to the future.
the milestones, really.  all the little, seemingly unimportant milestones....
that can make life meaningful in a time of stress and disappointment.
{and help you see the big picture instead of focusing on just one little thing!}

so, here i am, blogging about the little milestones in my life.
{and some big ones too!}
that help me push through the tough times in school.

-  finishing my third semester of nursing school
-  starting work in the summer
-  going to college with my husband
-  lake powell! {and other summer fun}
-  celebrating our {1} year anniversary {and all, thereafter}
-  accomplishing my goal of a humanitarian project somewhere
-  graduating from the nursing program
-  my first real job

the nursing program is likely to give me ulcers, however, it won't be forever.
and when it's over, i will feel like i can really work as a nurse.
i definitely will not know everything, but still....
i will at least know some things.

today.

this evening i am feeling rather nostalgic.
nostalgic about the moments i got to spend with my little monkey earlier today.

isn't he cute?

and nostalgic about the moments i got to spend trying to coerce my mom into getting the iPhone for verizon.
because really, what isn't there to like?

now:  i am contemplating ending this blog post early....
because john is watching some rather entertaining television in the next room.
and it has been oh-so-long since i have seen him last!  {aka about ten minutes}
maybe someday, dear blog, you will become more interesting to me than husband and friends and family....
but for right now you are boring in comparison.  {so sorry}
i simply wish to record my innermost thoughts
about life, and love, and everything inbetween.
in other words, you are the means of my cherishing moments with them.
a noble purpose, i do believe.

passing out 101.

passing out 101:

if you feel like your head is spinning,

your body is very warm,

you can't stand straight up on your feet,

and your vision starts to turn all black and fuzzy,

don't be stupid and try to walk out of the room.

you will no doubt hit the ground within two seconds.  flat.

instead, sit your behind down on the ground.  immediately.

otherwise, you have just fainted in a patients room.

for no apparent reason other than the fact that it is 7:30am and you've been up since 5.

and you've made a complete and utter fool of yourself.

you'll probably cry a little bit too.

you'll wake up, facing the ceiling, feeling like an idiot.

do you really want that kind of embarrassment?

i didn't think so.

i love wednesday.

wednesday.  i love wednesdays.
wednesday means the middle of weak.
wednesday means i only have to get through two more days of school.
come friday, i get my husband all to myself again.
and that's all i want, because i'm just so darn selfish!
{cheesy much? yes, i would say so.}

i am talking with him on the phone right now, actually.
he is telling me how excited he is for dinner tonight,
and how he thought about it a lot today.
{i am making fake cafe rio, and it's the bomb!}
well, i am doing my best to make his life happy.
he is my single source of happiness, after all.
i totally owe him.